he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
