I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
