The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
