No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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