It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
