well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
