nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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