He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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