Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
