Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
