Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
