You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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