I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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