Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
