I think my vagina is haunted
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
