just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
