Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
