just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
