Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
