So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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