yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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