He uses pillows to masturbate.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
