Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
