and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
