I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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