What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
