That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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