i can't believe i had my finger in that
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You've changed since you got that strap on
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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