I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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