We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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