i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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