I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
