I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
