Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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