The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
