i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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