i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
