Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Screwed.edu
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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