So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
