I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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