Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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