My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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