I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
