New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
