My liver just broke up with me...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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