Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
