It was confusing and full of hummus
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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