i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
