I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
