i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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